A few months ago, I had a woman over at my place for drinks and hanging out.  This wasn’t the first time we met, and we talked online before she moved to my state.  About an hour and a half later, when she was walking out of the bathroom, I walked up to her, pushed her up against the wall with one hand on her back, and starting kissing her deeply. 

We kept kissing as I walked her backwards to my bed, which I forcefully pushed her down on.  I’m over her, we’re making out when she asks “I wanna see your handcuffs…”  I pull them out and put them on her with her hands over her head.  We start making out again, this time I start feeling her up.  When my hand gets to her breast, she breaks again and says “Take them off, I’m not into this.”  I promptly take them off and apologize to her.  We are making out again, and I start taking off her clothes. 

As I’m doing so, I manhandle her.  She’s moaning and has her hands all over me.  My fingers enter her, and she moans loud.  I start playing with her gspot with my fingers, and her clit with my thumb.  Turns out, her clit is SUPER sensitive and she can’t take too much stimulation at once.  My fingers are still playing with her gspot when she whispers “Please fuck me…”

I start manhandling her again, pulling her legs apart and her body closer to mine.  She says, “I like the enthusiasm, but I haven’t had sex in a long time, so you’re going to have to take it slow at first.”  I slowly enter her, and can tell her cunt is just being split apart at that moment.  After about a minute, she asks “Is it all the way in yet?”  “No.” I reply.  “Oh GOD” she moans when she realizes there’s another 2 inches to go.

We’re lying cuddling after, and she says “I can FEEL your dominance.”  This is great to hear for me, because I don’t “try” to be dominant; I just “am.”  I like to take what I want, and I just make it feel like something is being taken from them.  I very much enjoy doing this, and the women I sleep with always love it. 

She tells me she didn’t expect to sleep with me that night, but that she also “didn’t feel pressured.”  I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately.  I’ve been thinking about how I never got consent.  She never said “no,” but we all (should) know that isn’t a “yes.”  I believe the “please fuck me” comment from her was enthusiastic consent, but consent that came way after I started doing stuff to her.

I guess that I technically sexually assaulted her before consent was expressed.  She didn’t see it that way, but dwelling back on it has really irked me.  I don’t want to ask if they want me to pick them up, slam them down on the bed, hold their arms down, and kiss their neck or feel them up right before I do it. I would stop in a heartbeat if they said “no” or any similar thing (except for one very messed up, miscommunicated instance). 

Now I worry that they’re too afraid to say no when I start doing my thing.  I take control. I like the artificial sense of power that comes with acting the way I do (artificial as she always has the power to say “stop” or use the safe word).  Usually before I have sex with someone, we’ll talk in great (dirty) lengths about what I’m going to be doing to them.  I didn’t with this one, however. 

Is it possible to have a “natural” display of assertiveness while having enthusiastic consent?  I’m reminded of what Louis C.K. said, “I’m not going to rape you in the off chance that hopefully you’re into that shit!”  How can I take what I want, without her feeling like she has no say in it?

jessicavalenti:

I actually have this as a magnet on my fridge. It’s the best. 

femmefatalist:

Every day.

A conversation I had with a friend recently turned to the topic of “daddy issues”, and how she thought she fit the “profile” of an openly sexual woman who, to some, is craving male attention.  This got me thinking about how labeling a woman who’s even a little off-beat sexually as having “daddy issues” is just an extension of “crazy bitch”, and in turn just a way for people to further oppress women who don’t “fit” into their sexual expectations. 

You don’t often hear something similar applied to men who are sexually off-kilter.  Never once in revealing that I have a thing for much older women have I been labeled as having “mommy issues”.  I once dated a woman who had previously dated a 42 year old when she was 19, and that caused a huge rift with her friends and family.  People stopped talking to her just because she wanted to be with someone who happened to be an entire college graduate older than she was.  Her relationship with him had absolutely 0 effect on their lives, but because they decided she had some sort of fucking problem, unworthy of their friendship, and she lost people in her life.  Just for wanting to be happy.

Obviously that isn’t something that should happen to anyone, but our slut-shaming culture is so ready to breed that into the minds of men and women alike.  But I guess the upside is it acts as an ignorant asshole filter, and that shit is priceless.

We live in a world that is massively tilted in favor of men, and there has been a slow movement, in fits and starts, over the last hundred-odd years to tilt things toward equality. The current situation so radically favors men that many men, when confronted with a situation that does not favor them, which is not tailored to their desires, freak the fuck out and feel that they are being attacked and disadvantaged. They are so saturated in their privilege that its absence feels like assault.

At this point, I honestly feel “feminism” has become a meaningless term. So many women I know self-identify as feminists because they vaguely believe women shouldn’t be “kept down,” but they hardly hold the extremist views (“men are the enemy;” “all men are rapists;” etc) that the true ideologues do.

Had my boys cut up so I can’t produce tiny people! Feels okay, man.

Today, I continued to be an over-privileged white guy, hating the fact.